


No Hard Feelings

by PersephoneTree



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Pre-Slash, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:29:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3663927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersephoneTree/pseuds/PersephoneTree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda to "The Deadly Years" (S02EP11).  Kirk stops by to apologize to Spock for his outburst after the hearing; Spock, struggling with his emotions, isn't sure what to believe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Hard Feelings

Only after Commodore Stocker had beamed safely down to Starbase 10 did the Captain make an appearance at his first officer's quarters. Spock was not surprised by the visit, had in fact been expecting it. It was only logical, after all. Captain James Kirk was not an insensitive man; of course he would wish to make reparations.

What surprised Spock was how reluctant he was to hear them.

He rose as the door hissed open, pushing back his chair. "Captain."

"Mr. Spock." Restored to its proper age, Kirk's face glowed once more with robust youth, yet his eyes were grave, his mouth set firm and frowning. "You seem to have recovered from our latest ordeal."

Spock inclined his head. "Indeed, Captain. Doctor McCoy assures me that my physical and mental facilities are again in perfect condition."

"Good! Good." Kirk smiled tightly, then stepped forward, fixing wide hazel-gold eyes on Spock's own. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, hurried, almost as though the words were distasteful to him. "Spock, what I said... about the hearing, afterwards, I -- look, I was out of my mind, I was senile, for god's sake! All that nonsense about you wanting command... I wasn't in my right mind. You had every right to do what you did, and... and I'm sorry for accusing you. I wasn't myself, or I never would have said it."

Spock blinked, looked down, away from that searching gaze. He could still feel those golden eyes upon his face; could feel Kirk's anxiety coming off him like a physical heat, and the Vulcan felt, as if in response, the well of emotion within himself rise and swell, an ocean ready to engulf him.

First, and always foremost where Captain James Kirk was concerned, was love: an infinite tenderness, manifesting as the urgent desire to comfort and cherish and caress this beautiful, infuriating human, to smooth the worry from his mind and make him know he was beloved.

Then just behind that love, love which seemed as deep and unshakable as a planet's core, came a Pandora's box of fears and doubts just as endless. What Kirk had said, after the hearing, accusing Spock of waiting in the wings for a chance at command, accusing him of outright betrayal! Were those sentiments a side effect of the disease, as he claimed, or did they reflect how he truly felt? Had not Spock proven his loyalty time and again? Would that never be enough? And how, if that was not enough, could Spock ever again dream -- as he permitted himself sometimes to do -- 

They had wrestled on the sands of Vulcan together, and when Kirk had not risen, a fever had passed, and then Spock had wanted to die. He'd crossed a line that day, and had permitted himself privately to hope that his Captain had crossed it too. But if Kirk felt such mistrust towards him even now, how could there be any hope?

"Spock?"

He glanced up into warm, worried eyes the color of burnished bronze. Feeling brimmed in him, threatening to spill over; but a lifetime of Vulcan training had made him ready for such times, and when Spock replied, his words were measured and calm.

"There is no need to apologize, Captain. As you say, you were in a state of confusion at the time, and it is understandable that under stress you reacted defensively."

"Ah." Kirk stared at him, his expression wavering between uncertainty and relief. Finally he smiled, a broad and eager smile which did not quite erase the anxiety in his eyes. "No hard feelings, then?" he said, softly.

Somewhere in that dark ocean of feeling, the fading embers of hope sparked and flickered, and stubbornly refused to go out. "None, Captain," Spock answered, and if Kirk heard the sigh beneath those words, he gave no sign of it as he left.


End file.
